Making Children Fit for the Future in the Family
The following text will show how parents can teach toddlers, schoolchildren and adolescents skills for the world of tomorrow. When reading it, the impression may arise that some statements are too idealistic and that too high demands are placed on parents. That is in the nature of things: An ideal is described that can only be partially implemented in reality. However, this ideal can serve as a guide for parents...
First of all, parents must be aware that they only very rarely educate a child consciously. Most of the time they have an indirect effect: Their personality, their relationship and their behavior are role models for their children and shape their development – either in a more positive or in a more negative way. Children are more likely to be fit for the future if
- their parents are mentally healthy: Then children learn from them how to think rationally, how to judge clearly, how to solve problems and how to deal with emotions appropriately. They can develop self-confidence and a positive self-image because their parents act as appropriate role models on the one hand and can allow their children to become strong and self-confident on the other.
- the relationship between the parents is good: Then children learn how to communicate positively with each other, how to listen empathetically, how to express feelings and react sensitively, how to tolerate the individuality and peculiarities of others, how to support other people and how to resolve conflicts.
If parents are mentally healthy and live in a good relationship, children can form secure bonds and feel safe. They can develop the basic trust necessary for actively exploring their environment. If parents accept the individuality and uniqueness of their partner, they will adopt the same attitude towards their children. This allows them to develop freely and realize their potential.
It becomes clear how great the educational effect of the parents' example and their relationship is, and that the quality of living together and the family atmosphere are of great importance. Parents should therefore not think about their children first, but about themselves and their relationship.
But it is also important that parents reserve enough time for their children. The amount is not important but it should be "quality time" - time for conversations, playing, crafting and telling stories, for joint activities in the home and garden, for sports, walks and excursions. While family time is rather short on working days, parents should make the best of weekends and vacations.
If fathers also spend quality time with their children, this has many positive effects: For example, scientific studies have found that children of active fathers are more sensitive and less fixated on gender roles, have higher social skills and are more resistant to stress. For boys, fathers are important as male role models, since children are almost exclusively raised by women in daycare centers and primary schools. Joint sporting, outdoor or DIY activities enable children to learn physical control and thus make a significant contribution to developing self-confidence. Sons can use their muscles and prove themselves physically.
But the "educational power" of the family unfolds not only during quality time, but also in everyday life. Many studies have shown that children's school career is largely determined by whether they grow up in a family with a more or with a less educational background. The future of children at school therefore depends to a large extent on the quality of the informal education they receive at home.
The family is considered to be an educational institution in which knowledge is not imparted in a "fragmented" manner as in schools, but is part of everyday interaction. The learning is more comprehensive than at school, as children and adolescents acquire knowledge and skills in areas neglected by schools (e.g. medicine, law, economics, politics and technology; manual, technical, musical and artistic skills). The values and attitudes conveyed by parents also contribute greatly to their children's orientation in life. Also the following aspects of family life have a positive educational impact:
- good communication between parents and children (in terms of vocabulary, understanding of concepts, complexity of sentences, etc.),
- support for the (small) child when exploring the world and establishing social relationships,
- educational activities in the family, e.g. engaging in educational games, reading aloud, experimenting, talking about movies, books, scientific topics or political events,
- a positive attitude towards learning and achievement, towards daycare, school and vocational training or university studies,
- positive interactions about what happens at school, support with homework, a high level of expectations regarding school performance and graduation,
- close contacts between family and school so that parents know how they can further their child’s learning and so that teachers know how they can support parenting efforts.
This again shows the great importance of the quality of family life as created by the parents. Parents educate through their values, their worldview, their interests, their attitudes, their discussions about politics, economics, society, culture, etc. (even if only among themselves but in the presence of their children). A dialogic parent-child relationship in which there is a high level of communication has a particularly positive effect. Parents also educate through the people they bring their children into contact with, the activities they do with their children or encourage them to do, the television programs they choose, the books and games they select for them, and how they introduce them to the world of the Internet.
However, children should not be overwhelmed by too many activities (e.g. courses in ballet or music schools, membership in sports clubs). They should also learn how to relax and calm down. Children need freedoms so that they can act unobserved, develop own interests and become independent.
Parenting Young Children
The easiest way to make children fit for the future is to make use of the many learning opportunities in everyday family life. The following table lists competencies to be acquired on the left side and activities that occur in everyday family life on the right, through which three- to six-year-old children can develop these skills and acquire knowledge. If the level of difficulty is varied, they are also suitable for younger and older children. Since the activities often occur in everyday family life, learning success is consolidated through constant repetition. The table also lists activities with children that can be classified into categories such as "play" or "education".
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Promoting Young Children's Competencies |
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Competencies |
Activities in Everyday Family Life |
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Linguistic Skills
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talk a lot with the child: language is only learned through speaking listen when the child wants to tell something make sure that children refer to objects and activities with the right word and speak in complete sentences ask (open) questions that require longer answers have them look for words that start with the same letter teach rhymes, tongue twisters, poems and songs, clap rhymes conversation-oriented picture book viewing read/tell stories, fairy tales and legends let children invent stories familiarize children with letters and writing at an early stage by writing something down in front of them, typing something, researching on the Internet, entering a text message, etc. discover letters and numbers with children (e.g. in newspapers or catalogues, on advertising posters or on car license plates) play games with writing scenes (children can use fantasy script or scribble something) discuss films seen on TV or in the Internet good computer games help children to acquire knowledge and skills |
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Mathematical Skills
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sort washed socks, sort by owner, count (10 children's socks form a smaller pile than 8 adult socks: "more" does not mean "bigger") let child estimate distances ("How many steps to...") sort building blocks by size and color let child separate waste count steps when climbing stairs ("one step forward - one number further"; develop a feeling for quantities: 3, 12, 20 steps), later count backwards count fingers, steps, (blue) cars, etc. card games (with printed numbers) have child pay small amounts of cash in a shop have child dial phone numbers dice games having the table set let the child lead you on the way home ask about sequences (e.g. while cooking: "What goes into the pot first...") |
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Scientific and Technical Skills |
explore nearby nature with the child (forests, parks, meadows, farms, etc.) provide nature experiences: observing animals, insects and birds have child experience nature with all senses (lying in the grass, listening to the wind, watching the clouds, feeling the summer rain on one’s skin, building an igloo) arouse interest in nature through your own example (hiking, watching nature films); teach the names of local trees, plants and animals use of natural materials while playing gardening with children farm vacation providing a magnifying glass, a microscope, binoculars, etc. creating collections of stones, shells, tree fruits, etc. taking things apart with the child (and putting them back together), reading out and following instructions experimenting together educate child during trips: types of landscape, climate zones, important buildings, architectural styles, museums, monuments, etc. |
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Environmental Awareness (Sustainability) |
further nature conservation (non-destructive treatment of plants, insects and animals) careful use of resources (heating, electricity, water consumption) being a role model in terms of consumer behavior (e.g. only buy what is necessary, do not throw away what is still usable, reduce meat consumption, do not buy food that is transported by plane, drink tap water) do not satisfy all of the child's wishes (does not need all of the most modern cloths and accessories, only buy toys that can be used for a long time) have children experience how difficult it is to grow fruit and vegetables in the garden or on the balcony (appreciation of food) avoid and separate waste |
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Musical and Artistic Abilities |
singing together, humming, clapping rhythms listening to CDs together on long car journeys play music and sing along (also prevents nausea and tiredness) play music instruments at home have child paint, work with clay, construct something etc. visits to cultural institutions: museums, theaters, concert halls, studios |
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Motivation to Learn and to Achieve Something |
enable own activities and successes: child develops expectations of "hope for success" (better than "fear of failure") look for reasons for success and failure in (lack of) effort rather than in talent or intelligence, in the level of difficulty of the activity instead of one’s (bad) luck: only effort can be influenced by the child himself |
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Memory |
enable the acquisition of knowledge: answer children's questions patiently, explain things in a child-appropriate way encourage children to think about the issue and find answers themselves by asking counter-questions learn songs and rhymes by heart have child remember addresses, phone numbers, etc. have child empty the dishwasher play memory games use the Internet as a source of information: opens up new worlds, conveys knowledge; if possible, talk to the child about the content |
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Concentration |
give the child one or more tasks in a very distracting environment (e.g. in the supermarket: "Get a packet of butter, a box of crispbread...") reduce the number of toys in the child's room (and replace individual toys more often) encourage the child not to give up immediately when difficulties arise, so that they develop perseverance |
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Problem-Solving Skills |
encourage a desire to explore (e.g. don't show children straight away how devices or toys work) don't push problems out of the way for children, expect them to do something, allow them to make an effort if there are problems, discuss with children how they could be solved: analyze the problem (what, how, where, why...?), break it down into small, easy-to-manage tasks, set priorities, look for information, brainstorm, try out possible alternatives... guessing games ("What if...?"), detective games, puzzles (develop a system for how to initially organize puzzle pieces) |
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Self-Image and Self-Confidence |
encourage the child to try something new, remind them of previous successes take a photo, when the child has made a new developmental step, and hang it on the wall make children aware that they have special strengths and abilities or that they have learned something new and achieved something special - then they can develop a positive self-image and look optimistically and confidently into the future avoid negative feedback, withdrawal of love, destructive criticism, shaming, etc.; only praise the child when it is justified ask the child for help once in a while respect the child's views don't overprotect the child, but also allow risks and mistakes don't overemphasize failures, but have child see them as an opportunity to learn from mistakes |
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Independence |
allow children to do things themselves as early as possible (dressing, brushing teeth, washing, etc.) self-regulation is made easier by rituals and routines assign duties/tasks (and thus responsibility) trust the child (e.g. send the child to the bakery alone if the route is safe) |
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Social Skills |
set an example as parent: how to maintain social contacts with relatives, friends and neighbors, how to deal with senior citizens and migrants value conversations with one another (e.g. during meals) have each family member let the other finish speaking and listen to all his/her words help children to recognize, control and appropriately express their own feelings encourage empathy and compassion (e.g. let children put themselves in the shoes of a crying child or a disabled person; verbalize other people's perspectives and emotions) resolve conflicts verbally, be willing to compromise often invite children from other families involve children in larger groups (learn to fit in, to assert oneself without violence, to resolve conflicts, to be fair, to cooperate, to solve tasks together) have child develop teamwork skills by sharing household tasks, cooking together, planning parties, etc. encourage role-playing and participate in them rule-based games (learn to follow rules, to wait and to hold back) |
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Values and Secondary Virtues |
live one’s religion, values and traditions discuss everyday questions of meaning; justify one's own behavior (with references to one’s value base) offer picture books and tell fairy tales that address ethical questions stand up for equal rights for men and women, for immigrants, handicapped people, etc. be a role model as a parent (be polite, friendly, tactful, helpful, tolerant, etc. towards other people; let the child finish speaking, apologize to them if you have made a mistake) encourage the child to be punctual, clean, orderly, hardworking, honest, time-managed, etc.; expect good behavior let the child make others happy: experience of giving and sharing create clear structures at home: set meal and sleep times, rules, distribution of tasks, etc. do not fulfill all of the children's wishes so that they develop frustration tolerance |
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Fine Motor Skills |
encourage the children to paint and do crafts frequently (they experience themselves as creative and productive; it is fun when they give away pictures as presents), paint with them work with clay, salt flour dough, etc. let them spread butter on bread let them help when cooking and baking (cut, grate, cut out...) have them dress themselves as early as possible |
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Gross Motor Skills |
allow physical exertion (e.g. don't put a toddler in the buggy when they start to feel tired) involve children in cleaning the house and clearing snow have them help with gardening walk on foot if possible, combine walking with playful elements (don't step on the joints between the tiles, balance on walls) swimming, gymnastics, bodybuilding (if there is equipment in the house) mountain climbing, "adventure days" in a forest |
The table shows that, in addition to being involved in everyday activities, talking, reading aloud, exploring, experiencing, making music, painting, crafting and, above all, playing are very important for the cognitive and emotional development of young children. In (role) play children discover and understand the world, learn through observation, action and experience, train their senses, try out behavior typical of adults, develop imagination and creativity, and develop motor and social skills.
Children who can play in a concentrated manner are also more likely to resist the "temptations" of TV and the Internet. Young children should never be "calmed down" by turning on the television or by handing a smartphone to them. Organizations such as the American Academy of Pediatrics or the Children's Health Foundation even demand that children under the age of two should not spend any time in front of screens and that older toddlers should not be allowed to watch TV for more than 30 minutes a day (preferably together with their parents). According to scientific studies, the more time young children spend in front of screens, the more often they suffer from a lack of exercise and obesity, the less they can concentrate, the lower are their vocabulary and grammatical skills, and the weaker is their school performance later on.
Preparing young children for the future is therefore most likely to be achieved through play, interaction with parents and other people, and involvement in everyday activities. Moreover, the family must be a place where they feel safe and secure. Only when parents let them feel their love, affection and care bonds will be formed and maintained, and basic trust and self-acceptance will develop.
At any age children should feel accepted with all their strengths and weaknesses. Parents should observe their children closely and ask themselves: "What type of person is our daughter/son? A more theoretical or a more practical person? A born leader or a good friend? More imaginative or more realistic? More extraverted or more introverted?" Such questions help parents to perceive their child as an individual with unique characteristics. Therefore, they should not compare them with siblings or other children. Instead, parents should find out what their child's special gifts and abilities are - many talents are underestimated by parents and teachers, but can form the basis for later success in life and work. A resource-oriented approach is therefore recommended: When parents focus on strengths, the child will develop a passion for achievement, a focus on success and self-confidence.
The more often and the more closely parents observe their child, the better they can judge whether he/she is ready for school. However, since parents tend to judge their own offspring positively, especially when it comes to young children, they should also seek the opinions of other people who know their child well - especially the child's preschool teachers who not only have more knowledge of developmental psychology and more experience with young children than parents, but can also observe the child in the class - a group of peers.
Parenting School Children
After starting school, children continue to depend on the support of their parents: On the one hand, they can specifically support them in acquiring school-related learning content, and on the other hand, in their general development, although the transitions are fluid. They can help school-age children to become fit for the future.
Parents should generally have a positive attitude towards school - even if they had many negative experiences in their own school days or are critical of today’s schools. Only then their children can begin their school career without prejudice. Parents should therefore never ask them questions that imply something negative, for example "Today it must have been boring at school again, wasn’t it?" or "Had you not paying attention like the days before?"
It is important that parents show interest in their children’s experiences at school and in the learning content. This can also influence their children’s behavior in class. After all, children starting school must first learn to listen carefully, to follow the teacher’s explanations mentally, to raise their hand and to accept that they usually don’t get a turn. Parents can motivate their children to raise their hand in each lesson until they have been called on at least once. In this way, they promote concentration and self-control. They also encourage them to always ask if they don’t understand something.
Parents may also talk to their children about their classmates, their relationship with them, peer conflicts and similar topics. In this way they show interest in their children’s social experiences. Ultimately, it is important for a child’s learning and further development that they get along with their classmates and that they develop social skills.
Reading and writing are important cultural skills - the degree of their mastery determines children’s further school career and thus their future. Of course, children learn these skills at school, but parents can do a lot to ensure that their children do really well: For example, if they have practiced literacy education in early childhood (see above), their child will already have developed a love of picture books. Now it is time to transfer this interest to children’s books: The best way to learn to read is to read a lot. Parents can also occasionally ask their child to read aloud, because then they will read more concentrated. It is also a good idea to have a (children’s) book read to the child and then to talk about the text. This way, parents show interest and encourage their child. At the same time, they can see whether the child has understood the text.
Since children’s books are expensive and may soon become boring, parents can limit themselves to a few copies at home. They should spend their money on children’s encyclopedias, reference books, dictionaries, an atlas or a globe, which can be used again and again during school time. Children’s books, on the other hand, can be borrowed from a library together with the child. Even if the child is only interested in one topic - e.g. wild cats or football - this is fine: After all, the most important thing is that the child reads a lot.
Support from parents is also important when learning spelling. For example, they can first praise their child for correctly spelled words before looking for mistakes with them. Parents can also encourage their child to use writing opportunities that have nothing to do with school: By the end of the first grade, children can already write short letters to friends and relatives. Some will also be proud if they are asked to write a shopping list, a text message or a note, for example.
In addition to cultural skills, school children have to acquire many other skills. Parents can help their children by first determining their learning style (visual, auditory or kinesthetic). In principle, children find school easier if they have mastered all three learning styles, as the respective tasks can best be mastered with a certain learning style - e.g. spelling with the visual one or sports activities with the kinesthetic one. However, if children prefer one learning style, parents should either introduce them to the other two or help them to use their style as best as possible: A predominantly auditory learner, for example, benefits from reading texts to be learned out loud, having them read to them or recording them and then playing them back. This means that important contents are less likely to be overlooked and that the text is easier to remember. Visual learners learn primarily by reading, and different colored highlighters can be helpful. Videos, photos, posters and graphics are also useful. Kinesthetic learners have the hardest time because they can only profit from their strengths at school in subjects such as sports, crafts or art. They benefit from making models, experimenting or visiting places that are related to the learning content - e.g. a farm, a castle or a museum.
For the future, it is particularly important that children learn to learn, i.e. to know how to find information and acquire knowledge themselves. Therefore parents do not always answer their children’s individual questions, but guide them in their search for answers. They can research with them in children’s and adult encyclopedias, in books or on the Internet. A lot can also be found out through observation or with the help of experiments.
Children starting school are proud when they have learned something new. Parents can encourage their child to "show off" their newly acquired knowledge and skills to grandparents or neighbors. In addition, more in-depth conversations often develop in which the children broaden their horizons, benefit from the experiences of the conversation partners and train communicative and social skills.
Primary school children learn better when the intake of information is associated with positive feelings, for example when they receive praise or a smile while learning. While parents give a toddler a lot of attention and care when learning to crawl or saying first words, they praise a school-age child far less often. Parents should also frequently give older children positive reinforcement - especially if they are afraid of failure or are unsure in a certain subject. In principle, the effort (and not the result) should be praised first and foremost - after all, success comes about because of the effort put in, and this must therefore be particularly appreciated.
Children should believe in themselves - and that they can achieve everything they want to achieve, that the effort is worth it. Even if school-age children have unrealistic goals - e.g. want to become a famous football star - they should not be disillusioned: They will find out themselves where their limits lie. But now they will get involved in sports - and train their memory by learning the names of football players, their special qualities, the game results and much more.
In this context, it is also important that a child learns to deal with failure. Instead of developing the attitude "It’s impossible to be able to do everything!" they should see failure as an opportunity to learn from their mistakes, use other methods or try out a new solution.
According to brain research, learning is promoted when a child is fed a diet rich in vitamins, minerals and fiber, often gets some exercise in the fresh air and gets enough sleep. It is advisable for children to go to bed at the same time at least before school days and get up on time so that there is no rush in the morning. There should always be enough time for a healthy breakfast.
The vast majority of primary school children initially enjoy doing their homework - if only because they love their teachers and would do anything to receive some recognition from them. They enjoy learning; they are proud when they have completed their homework to their own satisfaction.
Primary school children should do their homework on their own and in a relatively short time. In reality, however, many parents check their children’s homework. The older the children get, the more often this leads to conflicts. Homework and studying before exams can therefore put a great strain on the parent-child relationship and the family atmosphere. Parents should therefore give their children responsibility for their success at school as early as possible - after all, independent learning is an important developmental goal.
It must be emphasized again that parents must not overwhelm their children. If they constantly feel under pressure and are often pushed to their limits, they will lose interest in learning and the motivation to achieve something. It is therefore important that parents strive to get a realistic picture of their children, of their strengths and weaknesses, of their talents and of their performance. Then they often discover completely new interests and qualities in their children, e.g. musical, manual, social or sporting talents.
To avoid being overtaxed, primary school children should be given enough time to relax, pursue hobbies, exercise outdoors, enjoy sports and play with friends. The number of appointments in their free time and the amount of time they spend watching movies or being on the Internet should be limited. There should be no TV sets in the children’s room (according to scientific studies, school children then watch twice as much TV as their peers without their own TV set). It is also advisable to choose programs carefully, watch them together with the child and then talk to them about the contents. Shy children in particular should be encouraged to visit playmates or invite school friends home. This is the only way they can develop social skills for their future.
Children also need clear boundaries and rules that are consistently enforced. They must learn to take the intentions, wishes and needs of other family members into consideration. Parents should also give their children more and more tasks (e.g. around the house or in the garden, looking after a pet, tidying up and cleaning their room), as this contributes to their independence and leads to a sense of responsibility.
To be successful in the future, it is particularly important that school children develop a positive self-image, self-confidence, a love of learning and motivation to achieve. They should receive a lot of recognition and verbal praise - material rewards such as sweets or gifts of money should be largely avoided. Of course, school children do not need to be positively reinforced as often as small children: On the one hand, it is part of the process of growing older and separating that children place less and less value on their parents’ praise, and, on the other hand, intrinsic motivations - i.e. those coming from the child - should increasingly replace extrinsic motives. Parents may also try to prevent their child from losing self-confidence due to too much negative feedback and from avoiding new challenges due to fear. Reprimand is only appropriate if the child has acted negligently or culpably. Criticism should always be related to the occasion and not to the person; under no circumstances should a mistake or failure be punished by withdrawal of love.
Furthermore, parental interest in the child should not be limited to learning at school. Rather, a child needs attention in all situations in life - and also tenderness and cuddling experiences. They must feel loved and secure in their family.
Parenting Adolescents
As the child gets older, the influence of the family decreases - and the influence of the peer group (and the media) increases. Nevertheless, parents can support adolescents with the developmental tasks that now lie ahead, so that their children can further develop skills that will be relevant for the future. First of all, it is important to maintain interest in school - which is often associated with many conflicts - until older adolescents take responsibility for learning themselves. Even if many parents can no longer understand homework tasks or help with exam preparation, the joy of learning and focus on achievement can still be influenced (to a limited extent). Parents can also provide support when it comes to finding a job.
In adolescence, children increasingly separate from their family and turn to their friends. Peer relationships become more intense; here adolescents find emotional closeness and security, trust and openness. Their first intimate relationships allow them to experience love, giving and taking. At the same time, they further differentiate their gender roles. Parents can make it easier for their children to build social networks. Their tolerance is particularly required when they do not agree with friends or partners because they come from a different ethnic group or class, for example.
If adolescents have hobbies or are members of clubs, they will spend little free time in front of the television or on Internet. Sports activities promote body control and self-confidence. Making music (in a band), composing, painting, acting and similar activities are now practiced independently. They enable the expression of creative talents and often influence career choices. It is positive if the relevant skills were promoted in childhood, and if parents accept that a lot of time is invested in such activities and if they provide the necessary (financial) resources.
The developmental tasks of adolescents also include accepting their own physical appearance and continuing to develop their identity. They must also adopt their own values and worldview. Parents can only help to a limited extent here, but their role model and the experiences that their child has had in the family in previous years remain important.
Young people are increasingly taking responsibility for their own future. They are now setting the course for their future path, which - hopefully - will be associated with professional success, satisfaction with themselves and positive social relationships or partnerships.
Supporting Families
The demands on parents as outlined in this text are very high - especially when you consider that the pressure on adults is likely to become even greater in the future. This is where employers and politicians are called upon: The compatibility of family and career must be ensured, even for highly qualified employees and full-time employees with young children.
Family education courses should also be wide spread so that parents can acquire the knowledge and skills necessary for successful parenting. It is particularly important that target groups that have hardly been reached so far are included (e.g. parents with a migrant background, from lower social classes and marginalized groups). This can be achieved by outreach measures or parent training at daycare centers and schools, for example.
Finally, politicians provide funds for counselling and support services for parents with parenting difficulties and other burdens, which have often been cut back in recent years, and reduce barriers to entry by offering help in the social environment of families (e.g. in schools).